Escape for Two: (Leaving) Home Alone

I’ll let you in on a secret: I suffer from professional envy of my husband. Sure, he works in software and business, two fields that lie well outside my realm of interest. But his company, now, there’s something to envy. Its incentives, break room and lack of micromanagement are just a few of the attractions that impart a luster of desirability to the place. And did I mention Club?

This last item, formally known as Presidents’ Club, is what seals the deal. Every year, top performers are invited to bring their significant others to some tropical paradise (think Hawaii or Grand Cayman), courtesy of the company. It’s intended to be a pat on the back, a nod to a job well-done in the form of a vacation that leaves behind work, responsibility and, to put it bluntly, the kids.

Of course, that’s where it gets complicated. The first year my husband, Chris, received an invitation, I was two weeks postpartum and so — wives, please withhold judgment — he left me and our daughter at home and went by himself. (Never mind. Go ahead and judge him). The following year I was able to come along, but I insisted on bringing our then-1-year-old daughter and, in the role of nanny, my mother. As social worker Elizabeth Marietti, L.C.S.W., might agree, this was a good compromise in view of our situation. “I think (for) the first year of the child’s life you need to be pretty well around that child as much as humanly possible,” she said, citing how attachment and bonding, those touchstones for emotional safety, happen before age 3. “If there isn’t the proper bonding and attachment,” she said, “then the child is anxious (when the parents leave), and it does harm.”

Considering that the angst — as burdensome and unwelcome as airline baggage fees — cuts both ways, it’s natural to wonder whether some time away is even worth it. Here’s the short answer: Yes. “When you’ve got little ones in the house, particularly when it’s your first child, things kind of get out of whack,” Marietti explained. “New negotiations need to be made, and if you’re not careful, you can turn into Mommy and Daddy, and the lover part of you can go away.” Reconnecting, remembering why you had a child in the first place and focusing on your individual needs again can have profound effects on the family unit. Ideally, you return emotionally stronger, bonded and, because you’re missing and appreciating your child more than ever, better parents.

Of course, to reap these tantalizing rewards, you have to hash out the trip. For some, that can start with the question of whether or not even to go. When one partner wants to stay home with the child and the other feels sidelined and in need of some couple-time, the discussion can be an uphill battle. And, as with every decision from here on out, it will require a thoughtful conversation. “It’s helping one another understand where they’re coming from,” Marietti said. “‘It’s not that I don’t want to go away because I don’t want to be alone with you. I have this big fear, and this is my fear.’ ‘Well, what can I do to help you work through that fear?’”

One major issue to consider when planning a trip is childcare. While Marietti doesn’t advocate extended trips for parents with children younger than 3, she stresses the importance of using known caregivers whenever you do leave. If you need to hire someone, Marietti said, hire him or her early on, making sure to provide instructions well before you depart to get everyone as comfortable as possible.

Other factors to address include what your child can handle in the way of parental absence (two days? two hours?), how long you can reasonably expect to defer your responsibilities, what you can afford without stressing the family budget, how far away you want to be should your child suddenly need you (stitches, broken bones) and, of course, how long you really want to be holed up with your partner. No, the last one isn’t a misprint. “How comfortable (does a couple) feel being alone together for that length of time?” Marietti asked. “Is it going to turn negative if they’re together too long?”

Sometimes it’s not even negativity as much as boredom that you’re trying to avoid. For our honeymoon, Chris and I landed in idyllic, tiny Corfu where, after suffering the world’s worst sunburns on our first beach excursion, we exhausted the island’s attractions just a few days into the trip. We had dated for four years before getting married and we should’ve known we do better in cities than on islands. Other couples may have more diverse inclinations, with one partner preferring, say, mountains and the other yearning for the beach. In cases such as these, Marietti counsels couples to negotiate. Beach this year and mountains next? Or how about a place that has both?

If you have younger children or just don’t feel comfortable leaving them for long or far, Pauline Frommer, travel expert and creator of the “Frommer’s” guidebooks, suggests booking a few nights at a good hotel in town, which is what she and her husband did for their first trip away from baby. “It was just such a luxury to sleep in the morning,” she said. “That made the vacation!”

Other enticements — sex, room service, time to do what you like — seem simultaneously basic and, outside of grownup getaways, unattainable. Then, of course, there is the time you spend doing the things each individual misses, whether it’s reading a book or getting a pedicure. “Don’t feel like you have to spend every moment together,” Frommer said. “Having a child is such an overwhelming change in your life. You don’t realize before you have the kid how much your freedom and personal mobility is curtailed…Having that freedom back, especially on your first vacation, it’s a buzz.”

But don’t squelch it by trying to resolve old fights. “The idea of getting away is for you to relax and reconnect and not to go work on problems,” Marietti said.

How often you should get away, Marietti added, will depend on how much connecting you’re doing on a daily basis. (In addition to oft-touted date nights, just taking half an hour each day to really talk can yield surprising levels of fulfillment). But whether you go away for two days or four days, across town or across the country, once a year or once every five years, be sure you make the most of each minute. “I had to do a job in Rome, and my husband tagged along,” Frommer said of one particular childless trip. “We had the grandparents take care of the kids for a good week…That was a little nerve-racking — going overseas — because it was pretty far, but we did it, and we had a great time.”
This year, Club is set for the Big Island, scheduled two months after our daughter turns 3. Chris and I plan to go by ourselves for the first time and, we both agree, it’s finally the right time.

Bye Bye Baby

Parting may be sweet sorrow for you, but it’s pretty much just sorrow where your child is concerned. To put him at ease, Elizabeth Marietti, L.C.S.W., recommends delaying that two-week cruise in favor of shorter trips until your child is old enough to handle it: around 5 or 6. Give him or her a calendar with stickers to mark off the days until your return, she said, so that your child can visualize the time when you’re coming home. You can also give him or her something of yours, like a picture you drew or a trinket to “baby-sit” and return to you when you come home. “By then,” Marietti said, “the child has figured out that Mom and Dad leave, but they always come back.”
Whatever you do, Marietti said, don’t bribe or bargain with your child by promising a gift. “You don’t want to get into that, because that takes (the child) out of the inner experience,” she said.

If you want to cash in on your vacation days early — or if your child just has a hard time with separation in general — pick up Karma Wilson’s book, “Mama Always Comes Home.” By illustrating that all mommies in the animal kingdom, from birds to polar bears, have to leave their young every now and then, the thought of Mom and Dad jetting off for a short while begins to seem more natural.

Get Away Without the Vacation

While sunning yourselves on the pristine Hawaiian beaches, piña coladas in hand, will work wonders for both your peace of mind and your relationship with your partner, it’s certainly not the only way to spend quality time together without the kids. According to counselor Larry Burk, M.A., the most important thing is to build intimacy as a couple, and that can be done anywhere.

“We often use ‘intimacy’ to refer to sexuality,” Burk said, “and certainly sexuality between a couple is extremely intimate, but a loving conversation, having fun together, having a water fight together, or even working through a problem that is causing some conflict in the relationship can be a very intimate activity.”

But when you have loving kids and an enjoyable family dynamic, you may not feel an overwhelming need to restructure your busy schedule and revisit the one-on-one coupledom of your dating days. Regardless, Burk said, it’s worth working overtime to set aside some alone time with your partner. “When the children are involved, they tend to distract from that intimate connection that (their parents) have with each other,” he said.

Fortunately, nurturing that intimacy is fairly easy, and it doesn’t require an expensive getaway or even leaving the house at all. You can both take the occasional day off and spend time together in your own home while the kids are at school. Or if that doesn’t work, plan a date night, get in bed five minutes early so you can cuddle, or simply do the household chores together. “Whether it’s a fun activity, a hobby to do together, or making love, or whatever they find satisfying that affirms that bond on some level…there are a lot of things that are just fun to do together,” said Burk.

And sometimes, a little fun without the kids is all it takes to keep your relationship exciting, loving, and strong enough to overcome the challenges of parenting.

Child-Unfriendly Choices

Too much time, too much money, too much preparation: The excuses to put off planning a trip for two run on ad nauseam. To quell rising doubts, check out places where it just wouldn’t be good parenting to bring the kids. Take the Willamette Valley in Oregon, for example. Less pricey than Napa Valley, Calif., it’s renowned for its pinot noir, and it’s just the sort of sophisticated trip the kids wouldn’t appreciate. “You can’t go winery hopping — or you really shouldn’t — with the kids in tow,” laughed travel expert Pauline Frommer, creator of the “Frommer’s” guidebook series.

Other hot places that cater to a grown-up crowd include Sin City, New York and Sedona, Ariz. New Orleans, Frommer added, is a good spot to keep on your short list, too. A trip to the city is conducive to letting your hair down: after all, there are no lunches to pack the next morning. “This is a place where you can get back to your party self you probably haven’t experienced for a while,” Frommer said.

Personally, Frommer has a soft spot for Washington, D.C.’s theater, restaurants and museums, and few places, she said, are as romantic as San Francisco. But if you’re willing to cross the pond, Paris should be at the top of your list, especially if you’re expecting. “If you’re ever pregnant,” she said, “go directly to Paris, because they treat you like a goddess there.” It’s enough to make you forget about airline prices and the TSA…but enough with the excuses. Just book the trip!

Photography by Colby Edwards